Sixty Eight

My Oncology appointment came through on Wednesday 28th May. Slap bang in the middle of half term. I didn't want the kids to come and the car had broken down on the Tuesday so they went to Kent on the train with my Husband who just happened to be working in Tunbridge Wells for the evening.

I have realised that I feel extremely at home at Guys. And safe. Unfortunately the same can't be said for the hospital in Pembury who tried to kill me and then later diagnosed Dad. So it's not a hospital thing, maybe just a London hospital thing. Anyway, I felt safe on Wednesday when I went in.

It's been a while since I've had to sit in the big cancer waiting room and it still astounds me how many people there are who are suffering from this terrible illness. It doesn't matter how many times we are told that one in three of us will get cancer, it takes actually going to that waiting room to really drive the reality home, and that's just one waiting room, in one hospital, on one day, in one town......

My Husband joined me. I was weighed and booked in and finally called by the Oncologist. The outcome is very positive. We looked back over all the blood test results since my chemo stopped. The Hospital have a lot more results than my GP and could get a much clearer picture. My White Blood Cells (WBC) have been consistently low. In fact, if anything they are (very, very slightly) higher than they were in October or January.

This, however strange it sounds, is fantastic news. It means there has been no sudden drop. It also means that I have been coping well considering and may even start to feel a bit better as and when they rise. The Oncologist will pass my results to a Haematologist and ask for advice. It is not usual for the blood count to still look this weak so long after chemo and she wants to know if there's anything I should be taking to boost them.

So, it doesn't look like it's a side effect of the Tamoxifen which is great as I'm prescribed another nine years of it and it is a wonderful drug in prevention of return of breast cancer. And most importantly, it is not an indication of cancer in my bones or blood.

I had a call from Guys yesterday, my blood test result from Wednesday is back and there is little change. This reinforces everything I was told.

So, looking forward. I have been booked in on the 2nd July for some major surgery. I am having a full mastectomy on the right. This is preventative. I asked to have both breasts removed when I was diagnosed but due to the aggressiveness of the cancer and the fact that it had already spread I was rushed into the first available surgery slot which was only four hours, not long enough for both breasts.

I will have full reconstruction on the right and a new reconstruction on the left. The implant on the left has been damaged by the radiotherapy and will be replaced. The operation will take about eight hours. I've been waiting for this for nearly two years. Keeping my right breast felt like a ticking time bomb. I had to wait a year for the internal scarring from the radiotherapy to be sufficiently healed before they could go ahead.

Now that the operation is so close I am scared. I know that it is a bigger operation than last time and having experienced that pain once and the prolonged recovery, I am once bitten twice shy.  I am a less strong person these days. I can't imagine how I got through the process of diagnosis and treatment. I realise now how important it was to me to have my Dad there by my side through the whole experience.

I have also had a year of relative good health which has made the thought of amputating perfectly healthy tissue seem crazy. Plus it's my breast, my only remaining breast. However good the surgeons can make the reconstruction look, it's still just a lump of plastic stuck on your front.

But, first and foremost I am a Mother. I must do everything I can to protect myself from illness for my children's sake and if removing my right breast removes any risk at all, no matter how small, I will do it. So, the date is set. I am getting fit and strong in preparation. I am looking to the future with hope. I am keeping a healthy diet and keeping up my abstinence from booze (for the most part) and I am trying really hard to be, think, stay and feel positive!

Remind me next time to tell you about the fire we had in the kitchen!!!!