Sixty Nine

So today I am stuck on the sofa with my foot in the air! A bit of enforced rest is actually a good thing for me. I am making the most of it and writing lists, internet shopping and making plans. It started two days ago, my left foot felt stiff and crampy all day. I put it down to my new sandals (I still think they might have been the culprit) but they are from Clarks and are very comfortable...

Anyway, when I woke up yesterday morning I could hardly walk. The base or sole of my foot is swollen and it feels like walking on a painful cushion. The ligaments up the middle of the underneath of my foot are really tender and the top of my foot looks strange too, like the skin is tight.

I went to the Doctor to make sure there was no infection. She thought it looked like a bad sprain and gave me Ibuprofen gel to put on it. I'm also to keep an eye on my temperature and had to have a blood test for good measure. I'm surprised I have any blood left after the last few weeks!

On Monday 9th I went to the breast clinic at Guys to have a planning meeting with my surgeon. All was going well until I mentioned my recent dramas with the white blood cells. He immediately closed my file; looked at me and said that he didn’t think he could go ahead. He thought I would be too much at risk of infection.

I understand the risk and would never push for an operation if there was a risk but at the same time felt very upset and annoyed. If not now, then when? It's taken over a year for my bloods to recover half a point, how long until they are normal?? My surgeon emailed the oncologists and haematologists for advice. I'd have to wait and see.

So I felt pretty let down by my body again. This is something I struggle with constantly. I have looked after myself and made massive sacrifices in the name of health and it doesn’t seem fair that I continue to not be well enough to do things. On the other hand I suppose I'm lucky to be alive and have to keep reminding myself that.

On Tuesday I found out that there was a problem with our remortgage because of a late payment last September. This had endless knock on effects that we had never even considered (not that we meant the payment to be late).

On Wednesday I spent the whole day in Hospital having my pre-op assessment. I'd been told to go ahead even though there was little chance of actually having the operation. It felt like a waste of time and energy.

By Thursday I was rock bottom, struggling with banks, missing Dad terribly, hating my useless body. Wanting to get disgustingly drunk! I had a depressing session with my counsellor which didn’t much help. Then I had a brilliant session with my Personal Trainer which did help. I am finally getting noticeably stronger (ignore my blood count).

On Saturday night we went to a friend's house to watch the Football and the host and I amused ourselves greatly with a silly joke about Italian food. I think we drove the other guests mad but I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. That's the first time that's happened in over two years and it felt good.

So far this week the school have authorised at least one of the children's upcoming absences (more about that in a minute), the mortgage application is progressing and I've been told that I will be going ahead with surgery on the 2nd. If it wasn’t for my foot, I'd be having a very good week!

So, back to the girls. Next week is Glastonbury; you know how important that is to me. This year we have decided to take the girls for the first time. This is a secret (they don't know yet). It has added a whole new level of organisation, packing and preparation but it's also added a new level of excitement.

We are going on Wednesday and will be back in London on Tuesday 1st, just in time for my operation on the 2nd! Needless to say, for one reason or another I will be having a very well behaved festival!!