Fifty Eight

Missing Entry

I am so grateful that so much of my blog was recovered when I lost it but still so sad that number 58 is missing. This was the month or actually 5 weeks that I was undergoing radiotherapy.

I have the first paragraph and it goes like this.....

Right then, where was I? Oh yes, that's right. Radiotherapy. On the 22nd May I had my first of 25 radiotherapy sessions. I was laid out on a contraption and manually put into position by two chatty radiographers. My arms were raised above my head and rested in elbow stirrups - a very uncomfortable position for the sore arm. The positioning took about 15 minutes to get exactly right, I was lined up using lasers criss-crossing the room and the three small tattoos on my chest and sides. Once lined up I was instructed to remain completely still. Everyone else left the room and the heavy... 

But that's it.

I think I went on to describe a panic attack I had on the 3rd or forth day and how hard it was to go back in day after day. I wrote about the calming mechanisms I developed to try and keep the anxiety at bay. I counted the times the machines moved and listened to the radio. 

Other than that I have no recollections from this entry. I have treated writing the blog as therapy and have been able to move on quickly from each traumatic stage after having written about it. This means that I am quite well, emotionally speaking. The flip side is that I have forgotten so much. I have relied on this blog to do my remembering for me. The memories are less painful if they are sitting here on the Internet, accessible for me whenever I might need them. I have then cleaned and pushed them out of my head where they bother me and slow me down.

I still have hope that someone will drop me an email one day with a copy of number 58. Until then I felt I should write something as it felt strange having a blank page for such an important part of my treatment.