Forty Five

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

It feels as if this last cycle has gone very quickly, but not in a good way. I feel a bit cheated of the week or so where I have historically felt fine, good even. I haven't really recovered from the last dose 3 weeks ago and on Friday I will be back at guys receiving another. Part of this has to be down to the cold/throat/chest infection thing which is still lingering and I suppose part is just because the cumulative effect of the chemo is taking its toll. This is obviously why this is the last one. I couldn't do any more.

I'm over being bald, it was almost fun for a while. I'm always one to love a bit of extra attention, plus I'd wanted to shave all my hair off since I was about 18 and met a gorgeous girl at a 21^st birthday party who had hers shaved. I'd just never had the guts. But now I'd like my hair back please. Even just a little bit would be nice. It has dawned on me recently that it won't just reappear as soon as this leg of the treatment is over. I wont just wake up one day next week with waist length, blond tresses. Its going to take a long time. Years if I want to return to my pre-chemo hair. Possibly even never. This has come as a little bit of a private shock to me, I don't know what I was expecting but I just hadn't really thought it through.

I'm also over the lack of energy. I can pretty much function on a day to day level but as soon as I actually want to push myself in any direction, everything comes to a standstill. This recent good weather has dragged me into the garden, up until this week an unexplored wilderness of ivy, weeds and trees that should be shrubs. I have pruned, raked, dug and pulled but every job has to be interspersed with plenty of rake leaning, breath catching, water drinking and panting. Then I get cross and frustrated that my body just simply isn't up to it. So, along with my hair Id like my energy back too please.

And for my third wish, I'd quite like my body back to. But that's not going to happen. So moving swiftly on.....

This Friday (blood tests and consultation tomorrow permitting) I will be having my sixth and final chemotherapy session. Stupid phrase that, session doesn't sound right somehow. Dose?

Anyway, whatever I call it, this is the last one. All going well, the last one ever but let's not tempt fate. I will have to stomach the side effects but all the while knowing that when I start to feel better I can keep feeling better. I am very much looking forward to that. Especially as we have planned a little holiday which starts in just over two weeks time so I will start to feel better whilst cruising around the Red Sea! Hurrah!

Then its just a matter of some surgery on my left armpit (removal of all lymph nodes), left breast (implant replacement), right breast (full mastectomy and reconstruction), Radiotherapy, 3 weekly intravenous herceptin for the next year and Tamoxifen for the next 5. Should be a walk in the park.

Talking of walks. I've been on a couple of lovely ones this week. With the Newsreader and his beautiful pregnant Newsreader wife on Saturday and with one of my very Lovely Mummies and our five beautiful daughters today. Heaven!